I hate how stressed I am about money. There are things I want to do. I want to take my little brother on a Comicon adventure, I want to have nice things, I want to go to the movies alone, I want to have a car, I want to NOT worry about this stuff.

All I really NEED to pay for right now is school, and I can’t even do that. I’m so jealous of all my friends, going to a nice college their parents pay for, driving cars their parents bought them, illegally texting on the new iPhone. Why can’t that be me? That never was me, and I lost all chance of  having that life before I even turned 18. I hate being on my own. As much as I love this city, I hate being here. I hate what it means. That I’m alone.

I thought people would at least still give  a shit about me after I left. That my mother might want to help put me through the shitty community college I’m stuck at, or maybe feel bad that I need a second job and can’t find one. That maybe she would care about me, trying to be better, instead of the kids she’s ignoring and spoiling at home. I thought my friends would keep in contact, I thought I would be happy here, I thought I would make  a new life for myself. Instead, I feel oseless, I feel pointless, I feel lost.

What the fuck am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I’m going nowhere.

I want to be thankful for what I have, and I am…but why ME? I’ve worked so hard for this, and I’m not anywhere near happy. I dont even know who I am. My faith is gone. I dont know if it was there to begin with.

Maybe I’ve been lying to myself this whole time.